Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer:

I am so sad because my parents seem to be so brainwashed by President Duterte’s PR machine and his paid commentators. It seems VP Sara is following examples with her lies. I thought this would all end after he left the presidency and I could breathe a sigh of relief, but even now, they still idolize him. They believe his prayer rallies are really prayer rallies, they believe that he has nothing to do with our current problems with the West China Sea, and countless other lies that he has the balls to deny.

What am I to do? I still live with them, so arguing with them makes my living there not nice. PLUS I am so afraid that when things get heated enough, they will ask me to leave the house. I cannot afford to do so yet. Is there any solution?

D

Dear D,

Thank you for your email.

Living with one’s parents often has its pros and cons. You point out that what prevents you from moving out is that you cannot yet afford to live elsewhere, so I would suggest that the point of departure regarding your problem needs to be acceptance that you have to do whatever it takes to keep a roof over your head. This clarity of purpose will make it much easier to work out what options are then available to make the experience more bearable.

When adults clash over a difference of opinion – whether it be the existence of God, decriminalization of abortion, who to vote for, etc. – it is seldom that either party will stand the slightest chance of changing the other’s view. Each is well entrenched in their belief and each is determined to convince the other that they are wrong. Neither is likely to contemplate that the outcome could conceivably be that the other is in fact correct, principally because it would mean a public admission that they were wrong.

With this in mind, and understanding that your parents are therefore totally closed to even considering a change of opinion, whatever the “facts,” your best tactic seems to be to avoid joining political discussions of all sorts. Hopefully there are other less toxic topics that you can all discuss without acrimony and thus keep the peace. If you can always keep in mind that your primary goal is survival until you have the financial means to escape, then you will make your own life just that bit more easily bearable.

All the best,
JAFBaer

Must Read

[Two Pronged] My parents are extremely conservative, and I feel so guilty going against them

Dear D:

Thank you very much for your letter. I feel there are two things that need responding to in your letter.  The first is a pragmatic one, which ostensibly is why you wrote us in the first place: is there a solution to your not wanting to move out from your parents’ house when you constantly argue with them? Mr. Baer, I agree that the only solution (for now) is to find things other than politics to discuss. Mr. Baer has also given you a perspective from which to view this approach hopefully without feeling guilty or hypocritical about it.

The second is unstated, I think because it is difficult to put into more words other than: “I am so sad because my parents seem to be so brainwashed by (politics).” It is far less painful than saying what, perhaps, is the deeper issue, which is sadness, maybe even fear, that there is something fundamental that you and your parents disagree about.  

I have a feeling this is the first time you disagreed about anything – much more over a topic you both feel so strongly about. 

If even one of you didn’t feel this strongly, it wouldn’t matter. The one less strongly involved could give in graciously, could tell himself (or, in your parents’ case, could tell each other) pagbigyan nalang natin siya (cut her some slack). This obviously means so much to her, and it doesn’t to us, so let’s just “give in,” and pretend to agree with her. It will keep the peace over something not important enough to fight about.

I think what makes you so sad is realizing that there is now a chasm between how you and they think, love, and appraise other people.  

This is not what it used to be. When you were a child, you were as one with them. Everything your parents told you was gospel truth but they have changed to the extent that their views are anathema to you.

It takes some getting used to. Not only that, getting used to it (which you must if you love them and want to stay close) means you sometimes have to keep schtum when you would much rather say, “How can you be so blind?!!? How can you continue to believe in him?!!?” It takes a lot out of you when you realize that the two people you loved and trusted most actually have different views about what is the best for the country and thus, what they think is best for themselves and for you.

Ask yourself what is most important to you, D. In my clinical experience, people are happier when they give up the “shoulda coulda” feeling, as in, “You should’ve voted for anyone but Duterte,” or, “You could’ve checked his record as mayor before you voted for him.”

Looking back to what “coulda” and “shoulda” is an exercise in futility. This is true, especially now that you are grown up, and your parents feel no need to protect you from the world. Saying goodbye to anything you loved — be it your childhood, or beliefs you felt were immutable — always hurts.  

BUT, if you are particularly blessed, this goodbye can be closely followed by a hello…your realizing that, despite your political differences, you are still a family, you still love each other and can talk deeply and honestly and un-afraid-ly about so many things (as long as it isn’t politics). 

You may not win the battle – of getting them to go over to your political side – but as long as you win the war of continuing to love and care for each other, perhaps battles won (or lost) can be considered not that important. I hope you can feel the same way in time.  

All the best,
MG Holmes

– Rappler.com

Please send any comments, questions, or requests for advice to twopronged@rappler.com.

“Regardless of whether you’re extremely successful or just ordinary, women still make the biggest sacrifices at home,” the 28-year-old feminist said at a cafe in the northwestern city of Xian.

“Many who got married in previous generations, especially women, sacrificed themselves and their career development, and didn’t get the happy life they were promised. Living my own life well is difficult enough nowadays,” she told Reuters.

President Xi Jinping last year stressed the need to “cultivate a new culture of marriage and childbearing” as China’s population fell for a second consecutive year and new births reached historic lows.

Chinese Premier Li Qiang also vowed to “work towards a birth-friendly society” and boost childcare services in this year’s government work report.

The Communist Party views the nuclear family as the bedrock of social stability, with unmarried mothers stigmatized and largely denied benefits. But a growing number of educated women, facing unprecedented insecurity amid record youth unemployment and an economic downturn, are espousing “singleism” instead.

China’s single population aged over 15 hit a record 239 million in 2021, according to official data. Marriage registrations rebounded slightly last year due to a pandemic backlog, after reaching historic lows in 2022. A 2021 Communist Youth League survey of some 2,900 unmarried urban young people found that 44% of women do not plan to marry.

Marriage, however, is still regarded as a milestone of adulthood in China and the proportion of adults who never marry remains low. But in an other sign of its declining popularity, many Chinese are delaying tying the knot, with the average age of first marriage rising to 28.67 in 2020 from 24.89 in 2010, according to census data.

In Shanghai, this figure reached 30.6 for men and 29.2 for women last year, according to city statistics.

“Feminist activism is basically not allowed (in China), but refusing marriage and childbirth can be said to be … a form of non-violent disobedience towards the patriarchal state,” said Lü Pin, a Chinese feminist activist based in the United States.

No apologies

After decades of improving women’s education levels, workforce participation, and social mobility, Chinese authorities now face a dilemma as the same group of women have become increasingly resistant to their propaganda.

Long-term single lifestyles are gradually becoming more widespread in China, giving rise to online communities of mostly single women who seek solidarity from like-minded people.

Posts with the hashtags “No marriage, no children” from female influencers often in their thirties or forties on Xiaohongshu, China’s Instagram, regularly gain thousands of likes.

One anti-marriage forum on Douban, another social media platform, has 9,200 members, while another dedicated to “singleism” has 3,600 members who discuss collective retirement plans, among other topics.

Liao Yueyi, a 24-year-old unemployed graduate in the southern city of Nanning, recently declared to her mother that she “wakes up from nightmares about having children”.

“No marriage or kids is a decision I’ve made after deep consideration. I don’t owe anyone an apology, my parents have accepted it,” she posted on WeChat.

Instead she has decided to “lie flat” – a Chinese expression that means doing just enough to get by – and save money for future travels.

“I think it’s okay to date or cohabit, but children are a huge asset investment with minimal returns,” she said, adding that she has discussed renting a house with some female friends when they all retire.

Many of the women interviewed cited a desire for self-exploration, disillusionment with patriarchal Chinese family dynamics and a lack of “enlightened” male partners as the main factors behind their decision to stay single and childless.

Gender equality also plays a role: all the women said it was difficult to find a man who valued their autonomy and believed in equal division of household labor.

“There’s an oversupply of highly educated women and not enough highly educated men,” said Xiaoling Shu, professor of sociology at the University of California, Davis. Decades of the one-child policy have led to 32.3 million more men than women in 2022, according to official data.

“College-educated women become stronger believers in advocating for their rights and status in society,” Shu said. “Well-educated women in search of supportive life partners find fewer suitable men who also endorse women’s rights.”

While not all the women interviewed identified as feminist or viewed themselves as deliberately defying the government, their actions reflect a broader trend of Chinese female empowerment expressed through personal choices.

And even though some analysts believe that the number of people who remain single for life will not grow exponentially in the future, delayed marriages and falling fertility are likely to pose a threat to China’s demographic goals.

“In the long run, women’s enthusiasm for marriage and childbirth will only continue to decrease,” said feminist Lü.

“I believe this is the most important long-term crisis that China will face.” – Rappler.com

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer:

What can I do to make my husband become more romantic? He is a good husband, and a very good father, but he never has a present for me on any special days. Sometimes he even forgets to greet me on my birthday. It hurts me.

My friends never have this problem with their husbands. One is even a classmate of his. How can they be so different? It is just a simple thing I ask, why can’t he do it? I have asked him several times, he says he’s sorry, but he still forgets. Only once, when I told him a week before the event did he remember to give me a card. I think he just got it in a store he passed before he came home. Is he really that forgetful?

P

Dear P,

Thank you for your message.

There is this generalized notion that women tend to be more romantic than men, and certainly this is something that I would subscribe to based simply on anecdotal evidence. Your friends’ experiences suggest however that perhaps this gross generalization is less applicable here in the Philippines, though I have also heard it said that Filipino men are romantic during the courting stage but less so, if at all, thereafter. An internet search however appears to suggest that Pinoys are among the most romantic of men, though whether this is an aspiration rather than a truth is debatable.

Moving from the general to the particular, you say your husband (let’s call him Paul) is a good husband and a very good father, but not a romantic. Many wives would be happy just with those first two attributes but you are nevertheless unhappy because Paul does not meet your standards as a romantic. As just talking about it has not produced the desired results, you clearly need to try a different approach to make him understand why this is important to you. 

Perhaps taking the test developed by Dr. Gary Chapman in conjunction with his book The 5 Love Languages would be a way not only to achieve this but also to take an inventory of your marriage generally. If your primary love language is indeed gifts, the test should at the very least make crystal clear to Paul the importance you attach to gifts and frame it in the context of improving marital communication and connection.

However, in addition to considering the test, perhaps you should try to work out why it is that you are attaching such importance to all this. If Paul does indeed pass your tests as a good husband and father, what does this absence of romanticism actually represent? Does it signify that he doesn’t express his love towards you adequately, or show his appreciation sufficiently, or what? And if it is so, is he in fact the “good husband” that you thought or are you making a mountain out of a molehill?

Best of luck,
JAF Baer

Must Read

[Two Pronged] I’m a 42-year-old man with zero experience in romance

Dear P:

Thank you very much for your letter.  First, a quick word about Mr. Baer’s suggestion that you both take the 5 Love Languages test to help you out. There is a recent study which debunked Dr. Chapman’s theories such as the existence of five distinct love languages and the idea that couples are more satisfied when partners speak each other’s preferred language. 

Despite the study’s results, I agree with Mr. Baer’s suggestion because I believe the test may come up with some information both of you will gain from. First, the test resonates with many people (or it wouldn’t have been on the New York Times bestseller List for nearly 300 weeks), and thus might resonate with you and your husband. Second, it would be a good way for you to segue into how just as you try to show your love for Paul by responding his love language needs, you hope that he would also try to answer your needs. 

However, I am also aware that you have spoken to Paul many times, still to no effect. An old adage in family therapy is “If something doesn’t work (like trying to talk to Paul), doing more of the same thing won’t work either.”

Unless…

You follow Charles Duhigg’s 2024 book Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection though, even then, his suggestions may not work for you. What Mr. Duhigg says is that (nearly) every discussion falls into one of three buckets: practical conversations, like making plans or solving problems; emotional conversations, like telling you how I’m feeling, and my need for you to listen and empathize; and social conversations, which are how we relate to each other and the social identities we carry with us. Supercommunicators are effective because they pay attention to what kind of conversation is occurring. And then a supercommunicator (like you, for example, P) tries to mirror that so you and Paul end up having the same kind of conversation at the same time.  

Finally, if even your attempts at supercommunicating don’t work, I suggest you ask yourself whether his not being romantic is non-negotiable or not. I feel Mr. Baer’s suggestion that you ask yourself the reason you attach such importance to this can help tremendously in your asking yourself whether his non-romantic ways are a deal breaker or not?

In other words, is his not being romantic enough worth breaking up your family and leaving him?

I hope this question does not seem judgmental in any way, because I can see how you might feel that, if Paul doesn’t care enough to at least try and respond to your needs, what is that saying about the depth of his feelings for you? And if he doesn’t at least try, why bother to stay?

Wishing you all the luck in the world and sincerely hoping at least one of our suggestions works,
MG Holmes

– Rappler.com

Please send any comments, questions, or requests for advice to twopronged@rappler.com.

Too familiar with these post breakup clichés? Maybe you’re currently in a TOTGA pickle – reminiscing about better days with your ex-partner, or getting muling ibalik teasing from your friends. Maybe an ex-flame has been knocking on your door lately, or you’re experiencing intense regret after a recent breakup.

In the midst of conflicting emotions and a yearning for comfort and familiarity, you might be asking yourself: Should I get back with my ex?

The truth is that there’s no black and white answer. Counseling psychologist and relationship therapist Lissy Ann Puno, author of Couple Goals and Stay Connected, told Rappler that it is important to first distinguish if the breakup was a rational one. If you broke up amid heightened emotions, intense stress, and without giving it serious thought, then it could’ve been done in a moment of weakness.

First, validate the reasons for your break-up

If otherwise, there may have been good enough reasons to break up. According to Lissy, a healthy and loving relationship should have the three pillars of deeper commitment: attraction for each other, bringing out the best in each other, and wanting the same things in life to achieve in the future. When several factors get in the way of the aforementioned three, those are usually the common reasons for breaking up. Lissy lists them down for us:

I. Attraction for each other

• Lack of interest and time for one another
• Quality of physical affection and sexual intimacy
• Infidelity
• Lack of communication
• Lack of respect
• Lack of common courtesies
• Falling out of love
• Invalidation
• Lack of appreciation

II. Bringing out the best in each other

• Toxic behavior
• Conflict, frustration and anger
• Unsupportive
• Negative attitude
• Abusive behavior (verbal, emotional, physical, psychological)
• Substance dependency

III. Wanting the same things in life to achieve in the future

• Different expectations
• Solo socializing
• Individualistic attitudes
• Not wanting children
• Commitment phobia
• Financial incompatibility

Other reasons could include different expectations on what the relationship can offer or how their needs will be met, a lack of relational skills and communication leading to conflict and argument, a lack of understanding and practice of what it means to be in a relationship, an imbalance in the “give and take” dance, lack of commitment, and having a shallow “getting to know you period” that reveals later on that you didn’t know the “real person” in depth.

Never in a million years?

The decision to get back with an ex is ultimately up to you. Which negotiables are you willing to forgive or look past?

Was it the right person, wrong time? Are the circumstances better now? Maybe you were both too immature and naive at the time, the timing was off, or the external circumstances didn’t match. These reasons make the possibility of getting back together more valid. However, Lissy believes that there are certain relationship non-negotiables that should not be overlooked when considering to get back with an ex.

First, make a personal list of your negotiable and non-negotiables in a relationship. If there is more of the latter than the former, then don’t make the same mistake and go back! Here are some of Lissy’s non-negos:

• If you don’t feel loved or that they are into you
• If they don’t bring out the best in you
• If you don’t want the same things in life (marriage, children, migration, etc.)
• If you don’t feel good about yourself in the relationship

On the flip side, if your former relationship was predominantly enjoyable, loving, and fulfilling, and if you felt safe (physically, emotionally, socially, psychologically), then that’s a good sign.

Lissy said that getting to know yourself first before getting into a relationship is crucial – you need to know what you will and won’t compromise on.

“Know your temperament and know what works best for you. If it’s in your negotiable list then it can be forgivable. It’s a balance of making a relationship work and not compromising on things that are important to you,” she said.

Why the temptation?

You think you’re “completely over it,” and suddenly you’re missing your ex. Why do people end up thinking about their ex or even reaching out? Lissy said that the feeling of loneliness is a common reason, followed by the dependency on certain daily routines, a doubt in their decision, a regret of impulsiveness, and the feeling of unfinished business; having things that they feel they need to say.

“You could be missing the familiarity, or having difficulty in getting back into the dating scene. The fear of the lack of a potential partner is also real,” she said. More practical reasons can also come into play, such as wanting to get material things returned, the settling of financial responsibilities, or regretting the time that has been invested in the relationship, even if most of it wasn’t a good time.

Can getting back with an ex work?

Yes it could, Lissy said, as long as there is a “sincere reflection on what the relationship needs and a willingness to make some changes that you feel will make a difference in the quality of the relationship moving forward.” There needs to be a greater awareness of the potential of the individual selves and both as a couple.

“There are many success and failed stories. Everyone deserves second chances if it is coming from a place of awareness, growth and the sincere intentions to change,” Lissy said.

However, you can’t go back to the same relationship. Since the “getting back” period is a time to “make it right” and intentionally “make it work,” the question is now: What will you both do differently?

Lissy shares a story of two high school sweethearts who, at the time, “didn’t really know their adult selves yet.”

“The relationship was in a long distance arrangement. They grew apart and felt they didn’t want the same things in life. They had a lot of arguments in trying to connect virtually or in the brief visits they had. They broke up,” she said.

There were certain needs they were asking from each other, like a a willingness to be in the same city and job stability for another, and a gesture that the relationship would be their priority.

“Both worked on these things and made it work. They felt reassured that the other was willing to at least make some changes to see if they could value each other once again,” Lissy said. It’s all about an “informed” second chance – trying again, but with newfound realizations and insights in tow, and the openness to learn and compromise moving forward.

Make sure

Before you decide on giving it another go, Lissy said you must first ask yourself and each other:

• Why are you getting back together? Are these reasons valid?
• What has changed since the breakup?
• What have you done about the reasons for the first breakup?
• What will you do differently that you think will make it work this time?

Since there is a greater pressure for it to work a second time around, there are risks to the decision. “The risk is getting hurt and disappointed once more and going through the lengthy recovery process once more. Experiencing self-doubt, self-blame, and unworthiness that can affect other aspects of life,” Lissy said.

However, it could also mean you get to keep a relationship that actually had potential. “You grow as a person in a relationship if you are willing to make a change that was lacking in the relationship in the first place,” Lissy said.

Just remember that it’s not a game, Lissy said. Before deciding, you have to “grow in your own emotional maturity,” she stressed, in order not to play with anyone’s feelings (including your own).

“Understand yourself and what you want. Be aware of what you can offer a relationship. And lastly, understand the world of your partner will always be different from yours.”

Don’t expect perfection this time around, but always aim for progress. It’s a decision not be taken lightly, but with proper consideration and reflection, it’s could be a choice that could greatly affect your life – hopefully, for the better. – Rappler.com

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer,

I haven’t had sex for six years. Thinking of doing so with a former lover. I’m just afraid it might hurt. What should I do so it won’t be that painful?

Thanks,
B

Dear B,

Thank you for your message.

Women are often concerned that sexual intercourse will be painful if they are virgins, or anticipate a physical mismatch with their partner, or have had past painful experiences. The first of these is not applicable in your case; as for the others, we do not know.

Generally pain can be reduced, if not eliminated, via lubrication. This can be the result of foreplay, stimulation, anticipation, desire, imagination – and/or aided by products such as creams and gels which can be bought online, in pharmacies, or at sex shops; or even that old staple, saliva. Judicious preparation using devices such as dildos may also be effective.

As you are proposing to renew a previous relationship, you will already be aware of your prospective partner’s sexual prowess but however accomplished he may be, there is always room for improvement and this can best be achieved by the best possible communication between you and your partner.

All the best,
JAF Baer

Must Read

[Two Pronged] Sex with my husband hurts, and he wants to leave me because of it

Dear B:

Thank you very much for your letter. I think you have two things going in your favor.

One is that you have already had sex, and thus intercourse will not be entirely new to you. I do not agree that it is “just like riding a bike” with the procedural memory kicking in as soon as you ride it. For one thing, you can bend a mechanical device to your will far more easily than you can a person.  

Another is that you already know what sex with this particular person – whom you’ve had sex with before – will be like, UNLESS, of course, that is the problem.  

If you have had sex with him before, as your letter implies, then I can’t help feeling that, generally speaking, you know the initial pain is worth the subsequent joy after — whether within the first sexual experience or after one, or several, experiences with the him.

However, if, despite having sex with him before, you want suggestions on how it might hurt less, then I cannot help feeling that maybe the first (and possibly subsequent) time(s) with him were not completely pain-free. 

If that, indeed, is the case, then I agree with Mr. Baer that the best way to achieve your goal of no (or minimal) pain is by having the best possible communication between the two of you.

The communication may be as superficial and matter of fact as in: 

“You know that dildo you used on me the last time we made love, well, do you think you could use a smaller one this time please?”; or 

“Please lang, can we do the doggie style after several other positions? It takes me a while to get ready for it.”

It may be a tad deeper, but still not all that embarrassing, to bring up as in:

“I honestly do not know if your refractory period has become longer now that 6 years have passed.” (The refractory period is the time a man needs between the last ejaculation and the next erection); or

“You remember the old joke about the reason women fake orgasm…because men fake foreplay…well, I kinda feel like that sometimes.” Admittedly, it would take a reasonable assertive woman to say this, but why not, right?  

If this is a “repeat relationship,” after six years, then surely one would hope for some improvement in both parties? Either from experiences with partners in between the first and second time with each other or from being more mature and thus more willing to accommodate one’s partner.

It is important to share what you like and don’t like, what you’re willing to try, and plans for safer sex, e.g., what birth control method you both think will be best.  

After considering other approaches between those I have mentioned above and this one, you may want to share with him, either verbally or non-verbally, your desire to have him stay the night, to have more than a sexual relationship with him, and/or for him to take more time before penetration happens.  

In addition to being able to tell him what you want, what you fear, what would make you feel more comfortable, there are many things you can do to make sex more comfortable. 

Mr. Baer mentioned lubrication, and that helps many women feel more comfortable about having sex.  Not only does the lubrication per se help, but taking even that wee bit of time to find it, and apply it, may give you some breathing space, and allow your anxiety levels to go down. Many times, sex can be painful because one is so tense.

Last but not least, be realistic about your expectations. It is easy to fantasize that this second time together will be more tender, more raunchy, more everything your first time was not. Some of your fantasies may happen, but a lot more may not.  Being realistic is the only way to be fair both to yourself and your partner.

I hope these suggestions help, B, and let us know how it goes if the spirit moves you to.

All the best,
MG Holmes

– Rappler.com

Please send any comments, questions, or requests for advice to twopronged@rappler.com.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer:

You are always non-judgmental when answering your letter writers and I hope you won’t stop now.

I am 32 years old, single, with no family left. I sometimes make use of a secret dating app for people who have fetishes and unusual desires — golden rain, sadism, bondage, etc. So far, only the men have the fetishes, and the women have the relationships with these men, or are paid for their services.

Some have even called it prostitution, but I disagree.

I have had three previous boyfriends from this app. All had fetishes that I easily accommodated, and I even got paid for them.

My current boyfriend also has a fetish, but he won’t tell me what it is. He says I can find out when we finally meet. That will be the 8th of March. I am not afraid he might hurt me, or put me in a situation where I cannot refuse him if I find the fetish too much.

I do not want to lose him. Usually, after the man’s fetish has been satisfied, for a week or a month at most, the relationships end, amicably and even profitably.

But I am 32 years old, and do not want to keep on doing this for the rest of my life. Please advise me concerning making this love affair last. Thank you.

Hopeful Girl

Dear Hopeful Girl (HG),

Thank you for your email.

You meet these men via this app and have relationships with them. They all have fetishes which you willingly accommodate, sometimes in exchange for payment, sometimes not. You describe these men as boyfriends, but readily admit that some might characterize this as prostitution, even if you do not.

Since the beginning of time, poorer women have gone out with richer men and had relationships where the man picked up the tab, whether for wining and dining, or clothing, accommodation, credit cards, etc. without being labeled prostitutes. Where the dividing line between girlfriend and prostitute lies is not governed so much by the extent of the man’s munificence but by the nature of the relationship and the expectations of the parties.

The relationships you have described are short-term, generally lasting no more than a month, and basically transactional since they involve the exchange of money for services. Not everyone therefore would agree with you that those involved should be labeled “boyfriends” and “girlfriends” and the relationships “love affairs,” at least in the traditional sense of those words, however comforting these words may be.

Leaving aside the semantics, it is puzzling why you seem to think that this new relationship could develop into anything different, particularly since this man is so reluctant to reveal his fetish. It is akin to visiting your local bakery and expecting to find cosmetics for sale. This website you frequent caters to certain specific needs after all, and long-term relationships leading to marriage are not on offer.

It may be true that love can be found in the most unlikely places (as in the fairytale movie Pretty Woman) but I would suggest that the odds on achieving success in your aim are greater if you look outside the app.

All the best,
JAFBaer

Must Read

[Two Pronged] Is sniffing ladies’ panties normal?

Dear Hopeful Girl (HG):

Thank you very much for your letter. Mr. Baer, thank you so, so much for all there is to say, except what you would have added (perhaps) if you were not conscious of the number of words you had to leave me to add my own.

I suggested that I felt he should maybe change the word prostitutes to prostituted women, to which he quickly added (and I daresay, quite humorously and accurately):

Jeremy: But darling, I have nothing against prostitution, as you very well know.

Moi: That is why it is important to come out and say it.

Jeremy: But I hate the term “prostituted women” 

Moi: Because where does it stop? To pursue this argument ad nauseum, one could talk about “deluded men” or “men also manipulated/victimized by culture, religion, capitalism, etc. to need to call paying for sex bad.” Other transactional arrangements, as long as done with honesty, respect, and kindness, are not necessarily bad.

Jeremy: Yes.  

(This record of our convo is not necessarily that accurate, but it’s my part of the column so I can make it seem that I am brighter. 😊 )

As Mr. Baer mentions, despite its being highly improbable, relationships that start out as transactions can grow into love and evolve into something deeper, longer lasting, and more validating. For such a love to be validating for you and not just to put food on the table, etc., in order to feel truly seen as a person (intimacy) and not just to be appreciated for answering his sexual needs, the love has to be mutual.

Were it to happen, it will take time, dearest HG. Time, patience, and the fact that he will not end things like most other men who use this app do after a month. 

It will also need resilience, especially if he cannot or will not evolve enough to appreciate and cherish all of you (and not just you as a sexual being).

It is important to me that I bring up resilience because this is what matters most. I am writing him, I am writing you. My feeling is that no matter what happens, self-compassion, and not just self-love, is what you need the most. Please write to us again if there is anything else we can do for you.  

My very best wishes,
MG Holmes

– Rappler.com

Please send any comments, questions, or requests for advice to twopronged@rappler.com.

Dan Ramos, a 26-year graduate of health information management in California, United States, did just that for Phoenix Yra Cuyugan, a 21-year-old psychology student who lived in the country he left. Dan, who comes from a family that immigrated from the Philippines to the US when he was four, found a reason to return to his homeland, despite the difficulties.

As the two are young lovers, some may call it reckless. While they don’t have everything figured out just yet, the one thing they’re sure about is each other.

The failed set-up

Dan and Yra’s story is one of modern love, and it started on Discord.

One of Dan’s close friends happened to be Yra’s cousin in the US. Yra and her cousin thought it would be fun to set up a friend of hers with a friend of his, and Dan wanted to be a part of this plan.

Dan and Yra found friendship in each other, and began speaking through direct messages. But the set-up operation soon became an excuse to talk to each other.

“So we would bundle up a lot of updates of each other so since she was close to her friend… She would save up all of that chika (gossip) and I would save up all the chika about [my friend], and then would have calls like once a week,” said Dan.

“The rest of the four-hour call isn’t even the discussion about them na. We would make excuses like ‘Oh, I have an update about them.’ After 20 minutes: ‘Anyway, so kumain ka na ba (have you eaten)?” Yra continued, as the two laughed recalling it.

Their friends didn’t end up together, but they did.

At the point when they were honest about their feelings for each other, they had yet to meet in person. That wasn’t until months later, when Dan visited his home province Laguna, and the couple had each other’s company for two weeks with their families.

“The goodbye after that time was definitely the hardest of all the visits. Having met each other, the months apart were more painful than the seven months when we haven’t met in person yet because now we knew exactly what we were missing,” said Yra.

Yra and Dan faced the same challenges most people in long-distance relationships felt, like sacrificing sleep just to talk. But they believed their relationship progressed quickly precisely because they were able to focus on each other.

“You’re forced to see and connect with your love as who they are as a person only. So much builds up when you’re apart: communication skills, understanding, and most of all, trust. There are absolutely no other factors (sex, kilig, peer pressure, physical intimacy) we had that could distract us from seeing who the other really was, especially since both of us have very strong values for keeping honesty at our number one,” said Yra.

The big move

Dan began making decisions for his life with Yra in mind. Before meeting her, he was an administrative staff for employee health. While comfortable in the position, he did not see much growth in it. He quit his job to work as a health information technician, as he viewed it as a better opportunity to support Yra.

As time went by, Dan knew that he wanted to be closer to Yra, even if it meant leaving the States. For him, he was her home, in whom he found sincere love, comfort, and safety.

When Dan was little, his mother found an opportunity in the US to work as a nurse. In his single-parent household in America, all the siblings contributed to the household. He was the youngest of three, and he asked his two older brothers first if they were ready for him to leave the nest. He handled a number of expenses, such as groceries and the internet and phone bills.

While experiencing a mix of approval and worry for her youngest, Dan’s mother eventually came around, too.

Cultural, family differences

Yra recalls how the beginning of their relationship was difficult due to their cultural differences.

“Even though he is a Filipino and his parents are very, very Filipino, province-Filipino type, he didn’t really grow up being that way. So the culture is still very American, so that part, nahirapan talaga ako (I had a hard time). But along the way, he learned to understand that I’m struggling. And so he adjusted everything he knew for me,” said Yra.

A lot of their misunderstandings came from their differences, Dan recalled. For one, he had to learn the concept of tampo.

Another challenge was how Dan came from a traditional Adventist family who wanted him to marry an Adventist woman. Yra also struggled with Dan’s family’s apparent disapproval of her weight. 

“I was bigger than what they initially thought I would be. It went as far as when they had arguments, his mom called me a liability because of my weight as they are a whole family of nurses who have very strong opinions and routines with health,” added Yra.

Yra’s family, meanwhile, approved of Dan because of how transparent he was with his intentions with her. They saw how he sent money to her from the US to buy groceries, and when they were together in the Philippines, he accompanied her to a doctor’s appointment for an ailment she had been bothered by for years.

“They saw how much [our relationship] changed me into a better person and to take things more seriously,” said Yra.

US as the means, Philippines as the end

Yra and Dan imagine going to the US together to build their careers and save money for a future with children. Dan hopes to be a work-from-home data analyst, and own multiple properties to rent out. 

Meanwhile, Yra wants to finish her psychology degree, and maybe go to graduate school to be a therapist or psychologist – all while honing her skills in cosmetics, as she has also worked as a contractual makeup artist.

For both of them, the Philippines is home, and a place they want to return to.

“I do feel at home in the Philippines and I want our kids to also appreciate the culture we have here,” said Dan.

For couples in similar situations, Yra advises to always be intentional in their actions.

“Remember that your choice to love your person was never wrong, and the day will come where you both will be able to close the distance. I promise you, that day where, ‘See you next visit,” becomes “See you at home,” it will be worth every heartache you’ll face,” she said. – Rappler.com

From Our Archives

Fil-Ams tell parents migration to America ‘not in vain’

If you’ve gone through a bestie separation, you’re not alone. Break-ups aren’t exclusive to romantic love – these rifts (whether intentional or circumstantial) are very common in adult friendships, but just not talked about as much.

Maybe you’ve lost touch with your childhood best friend, or maybe you’ve discovered a few dealbreakers in your friendship with a college pal. Maybe you feel like you’ve grown apart from your high school BFF, or just stopped talking altogether after a misunderstanding that never got resolved.

Friendship break-ups come in different shapes and sizes, but they can hurt all the same. Even with or without closure, it’s never easy saying goodbye to a friendship you thought would last forever.

According to MindNation psychologist Lucille Foja, it is considered a “friendship break-up” if friends “simply lose the mutual support, respect, affection and the degree of commitment given to one another.”

Since both romantic relationships and friendships thrive on all these, break-ups with friends cut just as much (or even more), especially since you’ve known them longer and have been with each other throughout the different phases of your life.

“Romantic break-ups often produce profound feelings of heartache, grief, and longing, reflecting the depth of emotional attachment and investment inherent in romantic partnerships,” Lucille said. However, even though there is an absence of that intensity of romance in friendships, friendship break-ups can still be emotionally challenging. There will still be grief, confusion, and sadness over a loss in your life.

Is it the end?

Ending a friendship can be a conscious decision or, at times, a realization that the connection has already faded.

“Various factors contribute to friendship break-ups, and one prevalent reason is diverging perspectives in life that no longer contribute to personal growth, prompting individuals to make the difficult decision to part ways,” Lucille said. What are the other common causes of friendship break-ups?

Poor communication, or lack thereof. When there’s not enough honest communication between friends, feelings of resentment and hurt will brew, especially in the presence of unresolved conflicts. Disagreements and conflicts are normal, but it’s how both parties deal with issues that can make or break a friendship. Silence? Hostility? Defensiveness? Ghosting?

“When issues are left unaddressed, they have the potential to remove the foundation of the relationship. If problems aren’t dealt with, this can lead to the dissolution of a good friendship,” Lucille said.

Transparency and respect are key. If you are ghosted or even demonized – especially in secret – for expressing your feelings, you may feel deceived or betrayed. That’s why it is so important to talk openly with your friends about your needs, and listen to theirs in return.

“This helps stop the friendship from falling apart and keeps feelings of being betrayed in check. When problems are tackled directly, the chance of feeling tricked or hurt decreases, making it less likely for the friendship to break apart,” Lucille added.

Distance. Time apart or physical distance isn’t wrong, but these can be detrimental to a friendship if there is an inability to maintain regular and substantial contact. That doesn’t mean you should be chatting with your friends 24/7, but gestures like checking in on each other from time to time and carving out some time in your busy schedules for a video call or coffee date go a long way.

Life transitions. It’s a fact of life that friendships go through changes, as we move through different stages of life. “Whether it’s the transformative phase of young adulthood, middle adulthood, or other life stages, personal growth often leads to shifts in personality, goals, or priorities,” Lucille said. But it’s when these changes don’t “align well” with the current dynamics of a friendship that a natural drift can happen. Sometimes, this makes us realize that the friendship has come to an end.

At the end of the day, friendship is a commitment. “Distance should not be a factor if both parties are willing to work it out,” Lucille said. It is important to find a middle ground if you want to make the friendship work. Even if you are blessed with a low-maintenance friendship that never feels like time has passed, a solid friendship is still a two-way street that requires effort from both sides.

When to let go

“If your so-called friend undermines your achievements or makes you feel unhappy about your life transitions, it might be a signal to reconsider the friendship,” Lucille said.

Disrespectful or mean behavior also goes against the essence of a healthy friendship. A good friend should provide support. A friendship should be a non-judgmental and loving safe space for you to be unapologetically you, devoid of any backstabbing or passive-aggressiveness.

“In a positive friendship, your feelings should be respected. If you find yourself feeling anxious, confused, or consistently negative in the relationship, this is an indicator that the friendship may not be contributing positively to your life, and ending it might be the best course of action,” Lucille added.

If you find yourself downplaying your accomplishments to avoid hurting your friend’s feelings, it may reveal an underlying sense of jealousy in the friendship. “True friends celebrate each other’s successes and support one another. If you find this lacking, it might be worth considering whether the friendship is genuinely fulfilling.”

Moving on, with or without closure

If you’re in the midst of a friendship break-up, you might ask: Is closure really all that? Lucille says that certain friendships can end without clear closure, with individuals choosing not to disclose the reasons behind the breakup. There are instances where open communication becomes necessary, recognizing that effective communication is a shared responsibility, but this isn’t a privilege many receive.

Yes, coping after a loss is hard. Navigating through a friendship break-up is challenging. But, there are constructive ways to help yourself cope and move forward. It is a loss, so don’t be ashamed to grieve. Feel your feelings. They are valid. Lucille said to remember three words: Acknowledge. Reflect. Grow.

“One crucial step is to permit yourself the time and space to grieve, acknowledging the end of the friendship just as you would any other loss,” she said. It’s okay to take a moment to process your emotions and allow yourself the needed space for healing.

“The second step is reflecting on the lessons learned from the friendship. This can be a valuable part of the coping process. Consider what insights and experiences the friendship brought into your life, helping you grow as an individual,” Lucille said. At least now, you have a clearer idea on what kind of people you want in your life.

Lastly, take it as an opportunity for self-growth and personal development. “Talking to a mental health expert like a psychologist can help; they can guide you in sorting our your feelings as well as provide positive ways you can cope,” Lucille said.

Taking care of yourself

It’s important not to keep your emotions bottled in. Lucille suggests that in order to constructively move forward, one should practice effective communication by expressing your feelings or talking about the issue, which can contribute to a healthier emotional recovery. You can do this while appreciating and nurturing existing friendships. Focusing on the positive connections you currently have can provide a support system during the healing process.

Connection is key. “Connecting with friends, family, or a therapist when you’re feeling down is a good way to handle the grieving,” Lucille said. “When you share your feelings with others, it makes you feel better and reminds you that you’re not going through it all alone.” It helps to zoom out of the issue and zoom in on the other good friends still there for you.

Also, don’t forget to take care of your inner child. Doing things that make you happy, like exercising or hobbies, is also important. “You can remind yourself: Taking care of myself is really important, doing things that bring me joy and help me relax is good for my overall well-being,” Lucille said.

Try to challenge your negative thoughts as well, and gently try to see things in a more positive way. Remind yourself that not every thought we have is true. “You can say to yourself, I can question negative thoughts and replace them with more helpful and realistic ones,” Lucille said.

“Instead of just seeing the break-up as something bad, you can use it as a chance to grow and become a better person. This break-up can be a new beginning for positive changes. I am capable of learning and growing from this experience.” Remember, it’s okay to take things one step at a time and be patient with yourself.

Take your time. Each person has their own timeline for healing. “Progressing after a friendship break-up is a step-by-step journey that includes taking care of yourself, reflecting on the situation, and concentrating on your personal development,” Lucille said.

The most effective way to move past the break-up is embracing acceptance – acknowledging that it occurred and ended that way. It is out of your control now. Let it go, and focus on the things that you can control, which is your own personal growth.

The final say

If you realize that you still want to salvage the friendship, it is possible. Lucille said that the desire for reconciliation has to be mutual. Both should want to communicate the misunderstandings, and assess whether efforts can be made to address and resolve the issues.

“Honest and open communication can often mend strained relationships. Consider also the history of the friendship. If it has been positive and fulfilling in the past, it may be worth investing time and effort into resolving conflicts or misunderstandings,” she said.

On the other hand, if in hindsight you realize the friendship served no good purpose – repeated acts of dishonesty, breach of trust, and negativity – then it may be time to end the friendship. If you feel like he/she wasn’t good for your well-being, don’t force it.

“Continuously forgiving without genuine change may lead to further hurt and disappointment. If your boundaries are consistently disregarded or if the friendship brings more stress than joy, it may be time to reevaluate its significance in your life.”

Ultimately, the decision to hold onto hope or cut ties completely depends on you. What are your preferences, values, and state of well-being? Let that dictate what kind of relationships you choose to let in and keep in your life. Prioritize what aligns with your emotional health and overall happiness. It is safe to prioritize yourself and surround yourself with positive, supportive relationships and let go of toxic friendships. – Rappler.com

You can book a session with MindNation via MindNation’s website, email address (book@mindnation.com), Facebook messenger, or through their Facebook or Instagram pages.

Established in 2006 on a secluded street near Zagreb’s main square – a favorite meeting place for lovers and friends for decades – the privately run Museum of Broken Relationships has thousands of pieces, some ordinary, some odd, each an emblem of a dying romance.

“It’s not the objects, but the stories that are intriguing and inspiring and emotional,” said museum co-founder Drazen Grubisic.

“For me this is a museum about love. We just may have a different view on love when it’s over.”

A Croatian war veteran donated a prosthetic leg as a memory of his affair with a defense ministry worker he met during his treatment. The leg outlasted the relationship.

A Turkish woman donated a wedding dress she never wore because her husband-to-be passed away a month before the ceremony.

One person gave an axe that they had used to chop up their ex-girlfriend’s furniture. Another donated a 27-year-old scab from a lover’s motorbike accident. The person, a biologist, once wondered if they could use it to clone their loved one.

“The desire to clone my partner from that time exists no more,” the person said in a post on the museum website.

A book by the British hypnotist Paul McKenna called “I Can Make you Thin” is among the items displayed in the museum, donated by a woman who received it from her partner.

“Do not buy this book and give it to a loved one, if you want your relationship to last,” Grubisic said.

[OPINYON] ‘Gagawin ko ang lahat pati ang thesis mo…’ at iba pang pangako sa panliligaw

– Rappler.com

An old woman on the other side of the lagoon was asking us. Beside her was a man who seemed to be her partner, wearing a shirt with Arizona’s birds printed on it. He was carrying a camera with a telephoto lens.

We said we were looking for the naked-faced spiderhunter (Arachnothera clarae). They immediately clambered down the empty lagoon. The old man descended first and offered his hand to the woman.

They walked toward our bird-watching group. After a while, the spiderhunter perched on one of the branches overhead. The woman saw it, then the man took a photo.

“She’s my spotter,” he said.

“And listener,” she added.

They have been watching and taking photos of birds together for the past 20 years.

Love at website

On August 28, 2003, Cynthia Mercado logged onto an online dating site and got a match who went by the name Tender Storm. She was Young One at 53, looking for someone to grow old with.

He was 5’7″, a Christian, and a widower. She sent him a note. The man thanked her for her interest. Then he asked her if she could be the Annie Reed to his Sam Baldwin.

His name was Bob. He lived in Los Angeles at the time, although he grew up in Manila, where he was already interested in birds.

Bob and Cynthia wrote to each other for eight months. A widow and widower, both knew what it felt like to take care of a loved one and lose them to a lingering illness.

By April of the following year, Cynthia flew from the Philippines to the United States for a reunion with former classmates. She made a stopover in Los Angeles to finally meet Bob.

“He was funny,” she remembered 20 years after the first time they met in person. “I went to the hotel. He was at the lobby, wearing a cardboard mask of Tom Hanks.”

“He was Sam Baldwin in Sleepless in Seattle,” Bob explained.

“Sam Baldwin,” Cynthia repeated. “He had the face of Tom Hanks on a cardboard. ‘Yun (That’s it).”

Five months later, they were reciting their vows at the Justice of the Peace.

For life

In the natural world, courtship and mating are simple matters of biology. Birds dance, strut, and raise their wings to attract potential mates. They sing and ward off rivals.

When the rhythm is right, they copulate. Some change mates when the seasons turn. Some mate for life, like penguins and mute swans.

Humans go through similar, fundamental motions, too – but with a lot more at stake. The social order has defined how love and relationships should feel, how they should play out, or how people should be involved.

Marriage, in many love stories, is often the happy ending to a fairy-tale romance. But for Bob, who is now 77, and Cynthia, 74, marriage was the beginning of the second half of their lives.

After all, it’s the second marriage for both of them. A second marriage can offer clarity in retrospect. With their kids from their first marriages all grown up, Bob and Cynthia were liberated from the usual expectations that come with getting married.

“You see, this is the second time around, so a lot of things don’t matter anymore,” Cynthia said. “As long as you vibe with each other [and] you’re on the same wavelength.”

For them, spending the rest of their lives with another person is not anymore a romantic pursuit but an uncomplicated arrangement.

“I told him that in my second marriage, I don’t want PTAs, obstetricians, or tuition fees,” Cynthia said. “With him, I didn’t want any of that. Just a good time.”

Good times

They define a good time by reading the novels of Robert Ludlum and Mary Higgins Clark, and going out on Saturdays to watch and photograph birds.

Bob keeps a bird list that boasts of about 1,300 species seen so far. He says it’s still a meager count considering there are more than 11,000 birds in the world.

After they got married, Bob wanted to try bird-watching, but he had poor eyesight and hearing. Cynthia had to go look for and listen to the birds for him.

“I take my job as helpmate seriously,” she said.

Soon, Cynthia was hooked on the hobby too. The shared interest made them fly to other countries to visit bird parks.

She was Bob’s eyes and ears, his travel planner and life companion. During the interview, Cynthia would often repeat the question to her husband. Then, Bob would answer. Most times, though, Bob would let Cynthia speak. He would nod, smile, and laugh in agreement. He knows that what she says is their story.

There were many eureka moments in seeking out both rare and common birds.

In San Gerardo de Dota in Costa Rica, they found the resplendent quetzal. It was the national bird of Guatemala. In Camarillo, California, they finally spotted the common yellowthroat after looking for it in the wrong places.

After the thrill, once the list is completed and the quota hit, they go back home. Didn’t Frank Sinatra croon that the second time around is more comfortable like a friendly home?

Twenty years have passed, and 20 more years will pass. The birds will continue to sing overhead, and the world will always welcome lovers. – Rappler.com